"Hi, you two!" I say, placing down two coasters.
"Good. How are you?" Is the response.
Did I ask that question? No, but that's the automated response that I get from half my tables. HALF of my tables. 50%! That's a HUGE amount!
I've concluded that most servers greet their tables saying "Hi, how are you?". I don't. I say hi. I say something stupid about the weather. I say something about the DVD I see laying on your table, shopping bags, holidays, but I've found that 'how are you' implies so much.
1. Frankly, I don't care how you are. Call it selfish, call it unkind, but do they want to know how I am? Not really. It's a pleasantry that is said mindlessly so we can feel good about ourselves. I'm not mindless and I don't have to ask that question to feel good about myself.
2. I've had tables that go into a lot of detail about how they really are. I don't want to know your wife is cheating on you. I don't care that your dog died, that's life, but God forbid that I tell you how I am- that I'm pulling a double, or I feel like my feet are bleeding, and-
3. I'm not changing my greeting so you don't feel like a fuckwad. Open your ears, listen, be self-aware, not robotic.
When a guest answers me with "good, how are you", or even less considerate "good" (then silence), then I know you're not a good tipper. Period. You're a moron. Go get sterilized and then go home.